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Wednesday. 8.23.06 1:07 am
Do you ever look back on how it used to be
Though we've grown apart and gone astray
Lately, you're all that I'm thinking of
'cause I'll never forget my first love

"I'm torturning myself..."
I put her picture away by turning the digital camera off, and rolled over in bed, onto my back. I got into my thinking position, both hands behind my back before I started to wince.. I'm in college now.. left home about a week ago, drove six hours south to get here. My father is.. was, sick. Had surgery on his kidneys, so I didn't want to leave so early. My mother has been moping since I left, and my kid sister is also sad.. she calls me, and asks " What do you want to talk about," as if I'm one of her girlfriends.. I can't believe shes old enough to have girlfriends who she can talk on the phone to about nonsense.
My elder sister is also in college.. medschool or sumfin. They're all expecting great things out of me.Parents, sisters... friends of the family. My friends... even old friends, like Marcel. We don't talk anymore, but I know she still checks this to see if I got my creative spark back. Its just as well... people move in and out of our lives so frequently.
I don't want to let them down. My family, my friends, Marcel.. even Dave, founder of Nutang. I spoke to him awhile ago and told him my plans, and I think he believes I can do it.. I think.. know I can, too.
Thing is, its 12:54, I have class in 9 hours, and I'm sitting here writing because I'm torturing myself.

I kick my legs over the side of the bed and sit up. I move the hands from behind my head to infront and bury my face. Not 'cause I'm feeling any pressure, and I'm really not despite what you may believe after reading the previous paragraph.. but its not pressure. Yeah, I wanna' make those people proud.. my parents, my friends, people who know me and know of me.. I want them all to think I did something worthwhile. But.... none of that would matter to me if that girl in the picture.. the girl in the pictures, isn't apart of the life I make out for myself. I've been planning for awhile now, planning to go to college, transfer out in three, three 1/2 years( don't wanna' go the fullf our, ) to law school.. a big one, a good one. Harvard, UC Berkly, Duke. And then.. Know what?
Its her fault.

We were in elementary school the first time she told me she loved me. We were kids when she'd tell me about how we were soulmates, destined to be together. Honesstly, I didn't believe it back then.. I was eleven, twelve, and thought Bo and Hope from days of our lives were the only soul mates.. them and Nala and Simba. It was maybe.. sometime in junior high, or my freshman year when I really believed it. Really felt it. Now its five, six, seven years after and so much has happened, but so little has changed in regards to what my heart is telling me.
I'm in college. I'm s'posed to meet new people, she already beat me to it, so I should join the club.. meet new people, atleast for now. Afterall, the plan doesn't really take effect until after I'm through with college and enter law school.. if I enter law school, which may only happen if I stop torturning myself.
Recommended by 1 Member

oh what tangled webs we weave, eh? my god do I understand your feelings.
» of_your_mind on 2006-08-23 01:34:36

I meant my scripts. I used want to make my family proud of me, but I got over that, thank goodness. I don't care if they're proud or not. I hope you see your friend again. If you're meant to be, then you'll see her again.
» Kirei on 2006-08-23 09:20:40

I used to think that meeting the expectations of my family would make me feel more accomplished and fulfilled. I've learned instead that I can only be fulfilled by accomplishing my own expectations (no matter how high or low they may be).

Anyway, I hope your dad makes a full recovery. I can definitely empathise....my dad is on a transplant waiting list for new kidneys.

» little-b on 2006-08-23 05:35:57

I had a feeling you'd make a blog about her ;). Well, sometimes life hands us moments we have to learn to handle. I'm experiencing a lot of bad moments this week so I know its true.
» Phoid_hearted on 2006-08-23 08:25:27

Nala and Simba =)
I had a pretty good comment goin', then Firefox decided to lock up and "unexpectedly quit" before I could hit submit. So I'm trying to fabricate another one. It won't be as good, but here goes.

Funny how the best examples of soul mates are totally ficticiuos. The kind of fiction that you know would never really happen. Such as talking lions really loving eachother, and not just to reproduce.
It still puts a smile on our faces and gives us hope that maybe our love could be as pure as these lions'. Just maybe.

Congratulations on your first day/week[?] of college! Hope you don't get too worn out. ^_^
And thanks for liking my t-shirt. I like it, too.

Well, hope you get lots of good rest, and that the rest of your week goes well. =)
» invisible on 2006-08-23 09:56:30

I believe you can do it!
As long as you make yourself proud first, instead of others.

It's pretty sad when things change with really old friends. At least you're not indifferent to her though. I hope your plans work out.

The guy isn't an ex, and he's not really new, either. He's just... confusing. Grumble Grumble.

And I have big impressive bruises on my leg/foot now, from the stairs. :D
Luckily, there weren't many witnesses. So less people to murder.
» okidpokie on 2006-08-25 12:23:38

A question...
I believe I left a comment here, didn't I? Or did you delete it? *evil eye* Though I did get the 'baboon' message thing...tell me so I'll know what's up and whether I should repost...
» Silver-dot- on 2006-08-27 09:00:00

i was pretty happy with the one i had.
» Chloefoxx on 2006-08-27 11:25:37

Thank you for the layout comment!
For me, malls aren't such a big deal. It's just a cheap place to go and hang out with friends.

That, and watching all the kinds of people you find there is entertaining, too. I get to do that at my place of work [shelving books at a library!], and that always makes life more interesting. Unless they're being really annoying, and you need to shelve right where they're at... lol

And I, being the female that I am, like to shop. ha ha

Have a good week! =)
» invisible on 2006-08-28 01:04:22

A little late...
Big changes can bring moments like these. You start to think about the past and future.

I understand. Everyone says they know you'll be a success, but you don't know, huh? Me, too. And you wonder if you should have done something different
that would have kept her in your life.

Life has its own pace and its own way to work things out. You may see her again someday.

Have fun in college. I hope this week is better for you! Oh, and best wishes to your father's health!
» Silver-dot- on 2006-08-28 09:16:18

i hate what we do to each other, my dear. im glad you wrote though.
» caitlin ( on 2006-08-29 11:55:17

your background makes me wanna pick that lil boy up and hug n squeeze him to death ^_^
» Jinaiah on 2006-09-01 03:17:31

I miss you.
» of_your_mind on 2006-09-03 12:41:10



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