So I close my eyes
And then I won't see
The love you don 't feel
When you're holding me



Last time I did hold 'er, I couldn't see her eyes. I love her eyes, not 'cause of the color or anything.. but just because they're hers.

I used to get really frustarted during school, during our class together when she'd look at me from across the room. When the school started, and ended, she sat right next to me by choice.. I was going to drop that class til she told me it would be good if we had a class together. Good for us to try and rebuild and work to get what we used to have. The thing was that I wasn't ready to go back though.. I still wanted to hate her. I didn't want to trust her, to have faith in the girl. When I'd see her, I'd want to see the girl I used to know, not girl becoming a woman infront of my eyes.

Whenever the year began, she chose to sit right next to me. I was cold ot her then is what she tells me.. or told me, two weeks ago. Cold enough to drive her way across the room to sit with the cool kids. That class was really divided into two sides.. it was me and her next to eachother, then behind us were three girls who always talked to eachother, but they were two rows behind and we didn't talk to 'em much unless we had to do three+ groups. Then across the room was about twenty other students, broken up into their factions.. had the athletes in one corner, the musicians in the next, and the nerds/overachievers( They were all overachievers, 'cept for me and this one girl named Sara, it was an AP english class )..

She went to go sit with the musicans and nerds midway through the year when she got sick of the wall I put up to guard my feelings from 'er. Although I wanted her sad, wanted her to feel some sort of pain the way she had made me feel, I didn't want her to leave me. When she did, it reminded me of how she left me the year eariler.. only that time, I hadn't pushed her away.

When she was gone though.. I tried my hardest to not look at her at all, 'cause when I did I'd see her smiling and laughing and having fun with those kids, and then look beside me and see an empty desk and listen behind me and hear three girls talking about the sexy boys with bad BO. She smiled the times that I did talk to her when she sat beside me, but itwasn't one of those laughing smiles.. it was more of the smile she gave me alot when I saw her a few weeks back, the kind that makes you feel like you've just touched someones heart 'cause it's so genuine. It's not like the smile you give when you get a gift or when you're about to snot out milk, but the kind you give when you're in disbelief of what you just experienced. She'd tilt her head to the side and downcast her eyes adn just smile and think..

When I'd look at her from across the room, I'd just think to myself how much of a loser she was for leaving me, and how I didn't need her anyway. I'd tel myself how much I hated seeing her stupidly beautiful eyes light up when she heard some unfunny joke, and how much those guys and gals she was sitting with were less cool than the swiss alps. Then she'd look up and straight at me, so I'd always have to look to the window, or at the board, or up on the cieling or on the ground.. any direction but at her. I'd avert my eyes, but I know she knew. I could've been aloof to anyone else in that class, but she knew me. She probably knew how I'd start to panic at first, and then try to play it cool. But never cool enough to look back.

You write beautifully. You know that? Of course you know. I tell you all the time.
» juiCyy on 2005-08-08 01:49:31

I updated my nugang for the first time in maybe a yearish.
» of_your_mind on 2005-08-08 02:14:42

She thinks?! Goodness gracious, that's news to me! I guess what you did, in a way, was wrong. But things would've been so much easier if you had kept her away like you did back then...
» toni on 2005-08-08 02:57:12

Wow.
That's deep.
» chocobopnai on 2005-08-08 11:54:50

You are truley an aamazing writer! Thanks for the comment
» LeTs_MaKe_LeMoNaDe on 2005-08-08 02:03:37

Thank You, your site is very interesting also... I like the way you write.
» Jesse (152.163.100.8) on 2005-08-08 07:49:03

You're going to be a pastor? And you say you don't have a plan. Pshh. =)
» juiCyy on 2005-08-09 12:43:59

you would win like a pic or a song. i am going to have another one on friday, so check that out.
» zero_jak on 2005-08-09 01:15:36

Just browsing and found your blog... You write beautifully. It's deep and thoughtful. I like it; a lot. Take care. x x
» Chez (62.252.192.11) on 2005-08-09 03:29:52

You are a very fine writer, very tender and sweet. Thank you for commenting on Netiquette. Hope you will have a wonderful day.
» Marti (216.91.179.19) on 2005-08-09 08:58:20

whos this?
» Recentis on 2005-08-09 10:22:54

So Kind!
Thank you for welcoming me! I didn't realize that anyone would see my entry ! heheh : ) thank you
» aisforapple on 2005-08-09 10:23:34

Thanks I'm not sure what you read because I had to go eat so I posted what I had at the time haha. Your writing is lovely.. is this from your life? Keep writing -x
» Phoid_hearted on 2005-08-10 07:14:53

You have a very good blog. It's well written. Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog.
» Guru (68.252.33.82) on 2005-08-10 07:43:16

you are deep. real deep. you should visit zanzibar's page. she has some deep stuph. for this battle o' the blog's, i don't really know how to vote, but you have mine.
» zero_jak on 2005-08-10 08:15:43

very good writing style.
» marie b. (67.162.250.68) on 2005-08-10 11:23:31

hii
read some of the other comments.. pastor? really? you should do an entry about that if you havent already.
» tiltingtomatoe on 2005-08-11 12:57:48

Sorry I was busy when you called today.
» of_your_mind on 2005-08-12 05:02:13

when i first read this i thought you were a college student. your have a natural talent for writing. and i LUV your site.
» Midnight on 2005-08-13 03:50:46

awwwww jon..thats so sweetttt
» your_in_safe_mode on 2005-08-14 12:27:19

You punk! Never finished the story. I expect a full report first thing tomorrow. I warned you to take notes. =P
» juiCyy on 2005-08-14 03:44:30

Yeah I know what you mean. I don't normally like it when I go to a site and they have music too. Which is why I usually try to refrain from doing that bcz I'll eventually get sick of it and take it off. That's why I put the link up incase people want to listen to it after it's gone. But I'm glad you liked it! :) Some people might not like it because it doesn't have a beat and look! I'm just rambling now xP. xoxxo
» Phoid_hearted on 2005-08-14 04:10:31

Awww. I'm sorry Jon. Well, you can make it up by taking notes on the first day of school. Monday, I expect a detailed report.
» juiCyy on 2005-08-14 07:29:51

On my desk ASAP! Pronto! aha sikeee
» juiCyy on 2005-08-14 07:30:07

hey Jon. Did you mean that entry about Phil? If you did, there's not much of a story there, when I met him he'd been dating his girlfriend for 2 1/2 years. But he is driving many hours to coming to visit me on Friday! Maybe I'll update with a little more of that story later. I wonder if I ever wrote about my complicated love life if I would be able to get 25 comments. you inspire me.
» Zanzibar on 2005-08-18 12:25:06

» (195.225.177.40) on 2006-08-07 06:27:08

Alprazolam is a white crystalline powder, which is soluble in methanol or ethanol but which has no appreciable solubility in water at physiological pH. http://www.alprazolam.bbfast.com/
» (195.225.177.40) on 2006-08-07 03:40:13

Ativan (Lorazepam) is an anti-anxiety agent (benzodiazepines,mild tranquilizer) used for the relief of anxiety, agitation and irritability, to relieve insomnia, to calm people with mania / schizophrenia and intravenously as a sedative and for nervous tension or to relieve anxiety prior to surgery. http://www.ativan.bbfast.com/
» (195.225.177.40) on 2006-08-08 02:30:25

Diazepam is a benzodiazepine with CNS depressant properties and a somewhat flatter dose-response slope than the sedative-hypnotic drugs. In laboratory animals, it produces, in varying doses, taming, disinhibitory, sedative, anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant, ataxic and hypnotic effects. http://www.diazepam.bbfast.com/
» (195.225.177.40) on 2006-08-08 01:10:00

Hydrocodone represents a narcotic developed to accentuate the cough suppression effect. It is somewhat more effective in this regard than codeine. http://www.hydrocodone.bbfast.com/
» (195.225.177.40) on 2006-08-08 11:43:21

Hello_all
Great sex site! [URL=http://xoomer.alice.it/hardzoo/animal_hardcore.html]animal hardcore[/URL] beast hardcore hardcore beast
[URL=http://xoomer.alice.it/hardzoo/zoo_hardcore_sex.html]zoo hardcore sex[/URL] masters of hardcore unleash the beast
&raqu

Name.

URL.

[to enter your email, use "mailto:youremail@domain.com"]
Subject.

Comment.

Word verification.

Copy the first 4 characters only.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.